I found $100 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy!", but the adult in me says "Buy whiskey, Nerf guns and candy!"
But never ever drink too much whiskey then try and have sex. I learned that the soft way...
I woke up hungover to my neighbor mowing his lawn. But I'm not moving, he can mow around me.
Alcohol doesn't solve your problems. But then again, neither does milk.
Beer is cheaper than gas... Drink, don't drive.
Hotels don't have a 13th floor, airplanes don't have a 13th row, why didn't we skip 2013?
My addiction to Viagra was the hardest time of my life.
Whenever I get a package of M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and healthiness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels.
Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.
I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theater of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.
Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.
When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."
This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.